Is self Harming an addiction?

Before we start, remember, I'm not a therapist or a doctor, just a woman in recovery with a lot of dark past as well a lot of experience uncovering and healing from that darkness.

Photo by Reza Hasannia on Unsplash

Addiction, as we know it typically involves substances like alcohol or drugs. But beyond substance use disorders, what about behaviors? Can they be addictive? Is self-harming an addiction?

Yes it is.

Addiction isn't just about chemicals; it's about that relentless pursuit of relief from pain, emotional, mental and physical. When we engage in these behaviors, we’re looking for a way to cope with overwhelming emotions, and self-harm provides that temporary release. Think about it:

The heroin hits the system and “Ahhhhhh,” you feel the drug rushing through your veins, replacing the pressure of the emotional bomb that’s ticking inside you, and it’s all okay. For a while.

You cut your arm or burn yourself or pick, pull, scratch and “Ahhhh,” you feel the rush of endorphins that replaces the pressure of the emotional bomb that’s ticking inside you, and it’s all okay. For a while.

Over time, the brain gets used to certain patterns of behavior and when it gets accustomed to the rush of endorphins that comes with self-harming, it craves it. Self harm becomes additive and we get stuck in cycles of pain that cause suffering to ourselves and others.

But what makes self-harm particularly sneaky is the secrecy and shame that often surrounds it. Unlike other behavioral addictions (shopping, eating, gambling, endlessly scrolling social media), it's rarely done in public. It's hidden, behind closed doors and under long sleeves. This clandestine aspect can make it even harder to get help. The shame grips us and we can’t even find the courage to ask others if self harm is an addiction.

Which is why you just googled: “Is self harming an addiction”. I’m glad you did. Welcome. You are loved. Let’s talk solutions.

What is self harm and who does it?

Self harming, often referred to as self-injury or self-mutilation, is inflicting harm upon ourselves using anything from cutting to scratching, hair-pulling, cuticle shredding, burning, picking and other behaviors that cause injury. It’s not about trying to kill ourselves (that’s suicidal behavior). Non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI) is about trying to numb emotions that we don’t want to feel and thoughts that we don’t want to think. Because we lack the skills to process our thoughts and emotions in healthy ways, we instead cope with them in the best ways that we can. Often we learn these skills from our peers or from the Internet. We do it because we are desperate, not because we are bad. We do it because we think that there is no alternative.

Self-harming affects many many people (20% of adults and 60% of adolescents). There isn’t one type of person who does this; addiction to self-harm can affect a person of any gender, ethnicity, social or economic status. But we are often empaths or people pleasers. We feel our feelings deeply, are affected by other people’s emotions often and are plagued by the desire to keep others happy or at least off our backs. We engage in deep self-blame and find it incredibly difficult to forgive or love ourselves.

How do we break free?

The first step is acknowledging that self harming is an addiction, just like any other. Just as an alcoholic says “I can’t cope with this” and then reaches for the bottle, a self-harmer says “I can’t cope with this” and reaches for the self-harming behaviors. Until Alcoholics Anonymous changed everything, people thought that alcoholics were bad people who just couldn’t get their shit together. They were judged, shunned and seen as moral failures. Then AA came along and not only offered a solution but gave alcoholics the right to love themselves. This isn’t your fault, AA reassured them. It’s an addiction. AND, now that you know that, you have the tools for transformation.

Just like those alcoholics, self-harmers need to recognize the destructive pattern it's creating and decide that they want to change it. Nobody can decide that except you. That's not easy; none of this is. It takes time and patience and the belief that it’s possible and that you are worth it.

So let me say it: It is possible and you are worth it.

The journey to recovery from self-harm as an addiction takes more courage than you might think you have. But you have it, if you are willing to first accept that you are powerless.

When my first sponsor told me to pray to release my addiction to suffering I was like: “You crazy fool, nobody would want to be addicted to suffering. This isn’t a CHOICE.” Fast forward fifteen years and I totally get it. I was addicted to misery and the first step was coming to terms with that insanity, the insanity that led me over and over again to seeking pain as pleasure. I was powerless over wanting to numb out. But by admitting my powerlessness I was strangely able to do something about it. Which leads us to the second step.

There’s an answer: but it’s not going to come from you figuring it out

Once we understand that self-harming is an addiction, the second step is to believe that there is an answer out there. My sponsor asked me if I was willing to give it a 5% chance that there was a solution to my problems. That’s all it takes. When you give it a 5% chance, a little magic can happen. You open the door just a crack and the solutions can start to trickle (and then flood) in.

It starts with being willing to believe that there is an answer that you can’t figure out with your own mind. Because, let’s face it, you’ve been trying to figure this out for a while. You will never figure this out AND there is still a solution. Sounds like a contradiction but it’s just a reminder that your brain should not be your guiding force. You need to start to look for something beyond your own brain that you can trust and turn to for wisdom.

How the fuck does one do that?

I came to this thing a complete atheist. Brought up to believe that God was for stupid people, I was DAMNED if I was going to start praying or talking to an old man in the sky. Luckily I didn’t have to. It was made clear to me that my Higher Power could be ANYTHING as long as it wasn’t my own brain.

I chose a tree because trees felt like they could be trusted. They were solid and rooted way down into the earth and when I pressed myself up against them I felt strangely better. I was in an urban situation at the time but I would still just stop on the street and hug them whenever the urge came. I was so desperate that I just didn’t give a shit.

After a while trees turned into rainbows and all of a sudden I saw rainbows wherever I went. It felt like a wink from the Universe that I was surrounded by love.

Next I started noticing that the number 11 was everywhere. That number still follows me around, especially when I’m feeling doubtful and need a reminder that life isn’t the horrific dark thing that I once thought it was.

Are you willing to believe that there’s something out there that can help you to stop harming yourself?

Are you willing to believe that there is goodness in the world and goodness in yourself?

Go on, give it a 5% chance, I dare you. That’s all it took for me and I’m not unique. I hear it from so many others, all the time. We need to be willing to be willing to have things change, to be willing to turn to others for help and be willing to stop trying to fix this on our own.

You are good inside and the Universe has your back

If you are anything like I was, the statement above probably feels like a bad joke. Fifteen years ago I would have responded: “If only you knew what was inside me, you would not only know that I was bad inside, you would probably want to put me in an insane asylum or prison.”

I thought I was a piece of shit and that life was always going to hurt.

With those beliefs, there didn’t seem to be much point in being good to myself. Not only did I deserve the pain but there was no other way. Happiness was for other people, or maybe it was just a fantasy made up by Disney. I saw books with titles like “The Universe has your back” and I hated the shiny happy person on the cover. “If you had my problems, you wouldn’t be so naive,” I would think to myself. When I was at the height of my depressive episodes all I could see was darkness, in myself, in you and in the world. There was nothing but despair.

Those beliefs and experiences began to shift when I started to hang out with people in recovery. I realized that my thoughts and feelings weren’t unique, that other people had them too, that I wasn’t a bad person and that my pain was a sign of my humanness, not of my evilness. One day at a time, I was given tools to change my mood and reasons to live another day. I began to experience moments that weren’t just pain upon pain. I began to have voices in my head that weren’t just telling me I deserved to die. Little by little I became a completely different being.

Today I have moments where I question and doubt, I have strong emotions and problems in my life - I’m still a human.

What has changed is how I make sense of those things and how I interact with them. My experience of my thoughts and emotions is as an observer. I am no longer afraid of them because I know they aren’t me. I don’t need to numb out because I have a lot of practice just being with them and not freaking out.

I can watch the anger in my belly and know I’m good inside.

I can listen to the negative spiral of thoughts in my head and know that I can call a friend, meditate, journal or go to a meeting and discover that these thoughts are lies and that they can’t hurt me.

I can handle anything life throws at me.

Furthermore, the pain that was so crippling in my life for so long is now the root of my goodness in the world. It’s what drives my writing, my work as a tarot reader and it’s how I offer help to others. I can sit with whatever darkness is inside of other people and not be afraid of it because I have sat with my own darkness and come to respect and love it. There is nothing another human can say today that scares me at my core.

You are not alone + you cannot do this alone

All this is to say that, just like with any addiction, if you want to get better you need support. If friends and family don’t get it (they rarely do), reach out to a therapist who understands the complexities of self-harm. If you can’t afford therapy, Self Injury Recovery Awareness (SIRA) is a non profit dedicated to helping people recover from self injury. If you want even more, you will find self-harmers inside many 12-step programs, including Overeaters Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Media Addicts Anonymous and more (click here for a full list). If you have any other addictive behavior going on, get help for that too because it feeds the self-harming addiction.

Bottom line: You don't have to do this alone. Your brain doesn’t want to admit this but asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

If you’re still wondering is self harming an addiction, speaking with others can help to clarify. They can tell you their own stories as well as what helped them to get better. For me, it was:

• Telling my story and hearing the stories of others (realizing that I wasn’t unique and others got how I thought and felt).

• Being given tools to deal with my thoughts and emotions in new and healthy ways.

• Realizing that my thoughts and emotions aren’t who I am. I experience and witness them but they are separate from me.

• Allowing myself to open up to the idea that I am part of something bigger (that is good) and - one day at a time - developing an experience of connecting to that “Higher Power”.

• Cultivating deep, meaningful relationships with others who are healing from this too and can therefore relate both to my former self and the solution I want to live in every day.

The road to recovery from self-harm, just like any other addiction, is full of ups and downs. Relapses can happen, but that doesn't mean you've failed. It just means you're human, dealing with something incredibly challenging. Like all addictions, we need to find tools that we can use daily in order to keep “taking our medicine”. I am humble enough now to know that I need to talk to other addicts, get my ass to meetings and use my tools on a daily basis.

Is self-harming an addiction? Yes, self-harm can indeed be an addiction. Saying that isn’t about placing judgment on it but finding a way to understand it. It’s about education, awareness and reducing the stigma. It's about recognizing that those who struggle with self-harm aren't attention seeking or being dramatic. They're trapped in a cycle, trying to cope with something far too heavy to carry on their own. And that we need help.

Addiction is a beast, no matter what form it takes. And just as we should for any other addiction, let's offer our love and support to those battling self-harm, including ourselves. Together, we can find a way out of the darkness and into the light of recovery.

Frequently Asked Questions

Am I self-harming just to get attention? Am I just being a baby?

No, self-harming is not just about attention-seeking. It's a common and unfortunate misconception to believe that people who engage in self-harm are primarily seeking attention. In reality, self-harming behaviors often occur in a deeply private and secretive manner, with those who self-harm taking great pains to hide their actions. This secrecy can be attributed to feelings of shame, fear of judgment, or a desire to protect loved ones from distress.

Self-harm is fundamentally about emotional pain and our misguided attempt to cope with intense feelings, such as depression, anxiety, or overwhelming stress. It serves as a way to regain a sense of control or to temporarily distract from emotional suffering. While it may result in visible wounds or scars, these physical manifestations are a cry for help and understanding rather than a desire for attention. It is essential to approach self-harm with empathy and a recognition that it signifies profound emotional distress, rather than a pursuit of attention.

Is there maybe something else going on? Is self harming a sign of an underlying issue?

Yes, self-harming behavior is often a clear sign of underlying emotional or psychological issues. It is not a stand-alone problem but rather a manifestation of deep-seated struggles. Those of us who engage in self-harm may be grappling with a range of issues, including past trauma, abuse, depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, or a sense of isolation. Self-harm becomes a coping mechanism for dealing with these issues, a way to manage or temporarily alleviate the emotional pain we are experiencing.

Recognizing self-harm as a symptom of deeper issues is crucial to addressing it effectively. Approaching people who self-harm with compassion and understanding can help us to feel supported in seeking professional help and addressing the root causes of our emotional distress. Treatment often involves therapy and a program designed to work with recovery from self-harm, where we can explore and work through the underlying issues, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and learn strategies to manage our emotions without resorting to self-harming behaviors.

Is my self-harming going to get worse?

There is a significant risk of escalation with self-harming behaviors, as those of us who engage in self-harm often find ourselves trapped in a dangerous cycle. Initially, self-harm may provide a temporary sense of relief or distraction from emotional pain, but over time, this coping mechanism can lose its effectiveness. As a result, we may feel compelled to engage in more severe forms of self-injury to achieve the same level of emotional relief, creating a pattern of escalation. What began as relatively minor self-harm, such as scratching or cutting, can evolve into more dangerous actions that carry a higher risk of accidental severe harm.

The escalation of self-harming behaviors can lead to increasingly severe injuries, which can have long-lasting physical and psychological consequences. Moreover, as we become more reliant on self-harm to cope with our emotions, the emotional distress we experience can intensify, further fueling the cycle of escalation. Breaking this cycle requires that we seek help so that we can develop healthier coping strategies to replace self-harm as a means of managing emotional pain. It's important to recognize that the risk of escalation highlights the urgent need for understanding and support for those who struggle with self-harming behaviors, as well as the importance of seeking professional help to address the underlying issues that drive this harmful cycle. Even more reason to get help now.

Do I need professional help?

Recovery from self-harm sometimes requires professional help from therapists, counselors, or psychiatrists who specialize in mental health and self-harming behaviors. A supportive network of people in recovery also can play a crucial role in the healing process. Different people need different things. Utilize every single tool you can find/afford and experiment with the ones that work for you.